Are You on the Naughty List?
‘Tis the season for bad behavior in the friendly skies.
Is it really too much to want the airline experience to be a little easier, more polite, and less stressful?
To board a flight efficiently without any elbowing?
To have a pleasant and uneventful flight?
To deplane and collect baggage with ease and mutual cooperation?
Sadly, we’re all too familiar with the reality of airline travel: Airports increasingly monetize the security experience (from pre-check to Clear) while airlines gouge us through complicated price structures (for everything from baggage allowance and prioritized boarding to overhead bin space and meals). Airlines have made it uncomfortable to travel unless you have a boatload of money. The result is frustrated travelers on a confounding race to the bottom of human behavior.
To what extent are you a wrench in the machine?
We’ve drawn up the Naughty List. Check all that apply.
Before the flight leaves, you:
Rush the gate before your group number is called. (Ah, gate lice.)
Stash your rolly in the first overhead bin space you find (9A) even though you’re in 47K.
Put your rolly and your small personal item in the overhead bin.
Ask another person to swap for worse seats so you can sit with your friend.
Throw your jacket over your seatback.
In flight, you:
Take your stinky shoes (and socks) off.
Unpack a fragrant tuna sandwich.
Recline your seat the moment the seat belt light goes off — without considering who is behind you.
Colonize both arm rests — when you’re not in the middle seat.
Sit in the aisle seat but don’t get up to let passengers in and out of your row.
Listen to your tablet or phone without headphones.
Groom (hair, nails, beard, etc.) in your seat.
Leave the lavatory worse than you found it.
When the plane lands, you:
Jump into the aisle and immediately take down your bags.
Leave plastic wrappers, newspapers, and/or empty water bottles in your seat.
Stand thisclose to the baggage carousel to get your suitcase first.
Answer key:
Give yourself one point for everything you ticked.
1-2 points: On behalf of everyone who’s ever boarded a plane, thank you.
3 or more: Get it together! What you think of as Minor Infraction is actually Bad Manners. You’re slowing the travel process down, forgetting to consider your fellow passengers, and generally adding to the stress and hassle of the trip. And because you’re really a nice person, you don’t want to do that.
5 Steps to Recovery (How to Get on the Nice List)
Boarding: This works ONLY if we all work together. Instead of jockeying for position because you are stressed about storing your luggage, stay in your seats until your boarding zone is called. And relax: There’s room for your bag in row 47. (Flight attendants: We love it when you are clear and enforcing.)
Storing: Follow the rule: Place only one item in the overhead bin close to your seat. Everything else goes under the seat in front of you. This way everyone can put a big bag overhead without stressing out. (See item 1.)
Eating: Low/no-scent foods only. If you insist on unwrapping Shake Shack, do everyone a favor and pick up an orange, too. Peeling it will deliver a fresh scent for your seat mates.
Swapping: Only request to swap seats with someone if you can offer them a seat that’s just as good or better. A traveler may have paid more for that seat or booked farther in advance. (A gracious exception should be made if the seat swap is for a child or elderly person who needs assistance. In that case, be extra classy and treat the swapper to a boxed snack or drink.) For extra points, be the one to offer to swap if you think someone would appreciate it, but wouldn’t ask.
Grooming: Your tray table is not a wellness space. (That’s what Xpress spa in the terminal is for.) Wait for a lull in the bathroom line and take your self care there. (And clean up after yourself). If you must take your stinky shoes off, for the love of god please wear fresh socks (they give them out on international flights) or slippers.
Now let’s all have a delightful holiday travel season.
.
Your turn: Have we missed any of your pet peeves? Go ahead and rant in the comments. (This is a safe space.)
Yay! I am so fu*king nice!!!